Breaking The Stigma: Why Mental Health Medication Deserves Understanding Not Shame

About a month ago, I was sitting on the couch completing my monthly task of refilling my medication organizer (a lifesaver for anyone who tends to forget their medications like me) it dawned on me how important my medication regimen is, I spend at least 30 minutes once a month to repeatedly sort pills, capsules and doses of regulating chemicals for my brain. During this reflection, I thought back to the times I was not taking medications and the reasons why.  

-For a long time, I felt stigmatized by the idea of taking medication to manage my mental health. I felt it was a sign of weakness, like I couldn't handle my problems myself. I was hesitant even to consider the possibility of medication, and I spent years trying to manage my anxiety and depression through any means of distraction and avoidance. Throughout my early teen and young adult years, this posed a severe risk to my life.

 -I returned home from college in late May of 2019, feeling like a failure because I had decided to drop out of college. The dark spiral commenced and I found myself not sleeping, vaping, drinking, and isolating from everyone, even my family, whose the house I was in. All I wanted to do was die. 

 -It was not until a very dark night, when my dad found me in bed sobbing, that I had been all day. He knew I was not okay despite my lies, this was the moment the idea of medication was presented to me for the first time. Two weeks later, I was in the doctor's office taking my first dose of Lexapro and seroquel to sleep at night. 

-The medication was incredibly helpful, but it only lasted so long. The weight of needing those pills, the fear of judgment, and the desire to be "normal" led me to abandon them. The consequences were devastating, a period of instability and turmoil I wasn't equipped to handle. It was not until years later that I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. This brought a dark self-stigmatization. I felt crazy, worthless, and anxious. I knew this was my moment to finally pick myself and the stigma be dammed. I started Lamictal, Effexor, Seroquel, Naltrexone, and Atarax. Over these last few years, I have added, adjusted, and quit certain medications. The stigma was not worth my life, but it allowed me to reclaim my life.